I like to think of myself as being quite even-keeled, balanced and restrained. The only exception is when I’m playing guitar; when it’s a full on, take no prisoners, no holds barred, tour-de-force of guitar insanity…. But now and again something will just hit me quite right and I’ll have to really fight myself to stay calm and in control… I’m no longer as angry as I used to be, I’m a lot more comfortable being me – the problem is I’m more comfortable, but not any happier…

I’ve spoken about a girl who I liked, who was kind-of-seeing The-Other-Guy, and I’d given up… I started to get over her, and was doing a fairly OK job at it, and she’s now decided to give up on him… This messed me up, because I couldn’t decide whether she was telling me because we’re friends, or she was interested in me… Plus, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to open up that whole scenario again… I decide to keep my distance for a while, to wait it out and see if there was any sign from her… there wasn’t, but I decided I’d try and subtley let her know that I was still interested in her (yes, I know… I thought i’d got over her too). Now I find out that she went out a few nights ago, and is going on a date with some guy she met that night…   Where do I stand?!? She says it’s not anything serious, she says it’s a sure-fire way to make sure she’s over T-O-G, she says it probably won’t become anything… But I’m getting the impression that we’re going to just be friends, but I don’t think I’ve got enough backbone to just turn round and ask her “Seriously, girl – WTF?!?”

I mean, obviously I’d use real words and hopefully be a little more eloquant with it… but you get the gist…

Anyone got any insight into this that I might be missing?!? by ‘anyone’ – I probably mean J – because she’s probably the only person that reads this, and certainly the only one who comments!!

I had a really bad day on tuesday, they always seem to be bad days for me. Getting very maudlin about being single. Assuming either of the people I full-on ranted at reads this, then I apologise. One thing that gets me is I don’t understand WHY it bothers me so much. I can’t fathom it out… Maybe that’s part of the reason I’m unhappy about being single, I can’t work out why…

However, there was one noticable absence from preceedings – the girl mentioned in a former post. I know she’s a student, and thus is poor like me – but I didn’t get a text, phone call anything on the day, the day of celebrations – or subsequently… This has cemented the plan to move on and get over her – sometimes I hate it when I’m right…

<p>I preparing for my ACM audition, I was working full time, I was… OK.

<p>Or was I? I was doing a job I didn’t really like – with people who I got on with, but we weren’t amazingly close. Outside of work I went to lots of jams, and wasted my weekends doing… nothing.

<p>And this year?? I’m working part time in a job I don’t like – with people I get on with, but am not amazingly close to. Outside of work I go to less jams, work weekends or waste them doing nothing… True, I go to ACM now, and have met some amazing people there – but that’s coming to an end in 13 weeks… I imagine after ACM the same will happen as happened with school and college – that everyone will forget about me in a few days, and I’ll return to the glorious state of mediocrity that I used to inhabit.

<p>I’m sat here, looking around my room – and subsequently my life… It’s scattered and a mess, there’s bits of music and music paraphernalia all over the show – but is there enough to do anything with?? I’m OK at what I do – I know that – but OK isn’t enough, neither for me nor anyone wishing to employ me as a musician. On Sunday, I went to a blues jam – and I played the first song of the night – and I played really well, even by my own standards… I thought to myself “Actually, I’m pretty good” – and throughout the evening I managed to prove to myself that it was just a massive fluke… Today I spent an hour playing along to blues backing tracks, I watched a friend’s blues band on youtube, and realised that *I* should be doing that… But I’m not – and it’s depressing me.

<p>I’ve alseo decided to give up with the girl mentioned in my last post. I’m not going to continue to kid myself that she could be mine – there’s no point in me beating myself up over something that’s not going to happen…

I really like her – she knows this. She really likes me – I know this. She’s kinda seeing someone else… they’re not in a relationship, she doesn’t and won’t refer to him as her boyfriend, they’re not serious at the moment and she doesn’t think he’s that interested. She knows I am interested – but she’s decided to see where things go with The-Other-Guy…

By her own admission this other guy is “not all that good-looking” and the only things I hear from her about him are negative (except what he does for a living, which I’ll admit is pretty good) From what I’ve gathered I’m in many ways better than this guy, and seemingly am willing to go further for her than him… Why am I the one on the sidelines? She’s known this guy for longer than she’s known me, but have only been seeing one another for a short while… She’s emphatically told me not to wait for her, but that’s exactly what she’s doing for this guy!!

This begs me to ask a question I’ve been struggling with for a long long time; one which I can’t seem to get an answer to despite it’s simplicity… I’m not asking for the meaning of life, the truth on life-after-death, is there a God – or anything like that, my question is infinity easy to answer than that, but no ones seems to be able to answer it… Perhaps they’re just honouring the Social Contract in not answering, or pitying and patronising me with their answers, but I’d just prefer some clear, simple, honest answers from my friends… All I want to know the answer to is “What’s wrong with me??

I came up with the idea of forming an originals band a long time ago, over a year – and I even had, and still have, an idea of the persons I want to get involved… I’m frequently told that I should have a band, and that I’m a good enough guitarist that I can be selective about who I work with…

So why then am I still band-less??

Writer’s block. That’s the largest part of it… I want to have a large part in the music that the band produces, but have a shitty time writing it… Musically I’ve got a couple of ideas, but whenever I try to sit down to write a tune, I end up just playing the same old tired shit I usually play… When I go to a jam I’ve got a bunch of solo ideas, I can play almost any song in almost any style (a few days ago for example, I moved from a wild, shred-infused version of Foxy Lady – straight to a tidy and tasteful version Black Magic Woman…) When it comes to writing though… I’m lost!! Part of it is I feel slightly inhibited by my music theory knowledge… I try to make things perfect or limit myself to what theory allows me to do – rather than push the boundaries, which is ironically what I do with my solos…

In actual fact – I am sort of in a band now… Excluding ACM band(s) – I’ve been asked to join a functions band – which is excellent news!! We’ve got paying gigs lined up, starting in May – which means I’ve got 5 months to learn about 30 songs… Easy!

Shame none of it will help me with the writer’s block!!

My past relationships have been a little unusual. Starting either from school age, where we saw each other and things progressed as we got older and ourselves grew-up. The only other one started as us meeting via a mutual friend, we started texting and things moved on from there, when she invited me round her’s and we stayed up all night…

Which brings me up to date. There’s a girl at ACM who I’ve fallen for – hard. There’s no other way to put it. She’s incredible. Kind, beautiful, talented, great fun – I could go on but you get the picture… This had gotten me quite down the past week or so, because I knew we were rapidly approaching the end of term, and that I would probably not see her, nor get a chance to do anything about how I felt for over a month. I was quite miserable about this – she reached out to me, and I talked to her and felt a lot better about myself afterwards… which takes some doing when I’m down!!

I even hinted that I fancied her, and that I was worried that telling this girl I liked her would ruin our friendship. She said that if anyone was to admit to having feelings for her, she would never act strangely, afterall they’re only telling the truth… With that in mind, I have decided to ask her out – you only live once, and the worst that can happen is she says no and nothing changes. I just suck at the whole getting some balls and doing it… Any hints/tips/advice?? Anyone??

I’m not a completely useless slide guitar player – as is shown in this video I’ve only just re-descovered

Secondly – I can get BBC iPlayer to work!! Before it’s not been workable with Vista, but now it does!! I can watch BBC programmes a week late!!

Thirdly – Whilst watching Later… with Jools Holland: Guitar Heroes – I noticed something else quite bizarre… Meg White isn’t a flashy drummer, but she’s consistant. Most important of all though… She’s not actually that bad looking…

I also realised in that same programme, that Jeff Beck IS a God… I wish I could play like that, he just makes the guitar sing in a whole new way…

So – a few things have changed a bit in the past month or so… Let’s start with the significant ones…

• I’m single again. Without going into too much detail, Susan and I were too dissimilar – and we both felt that it was unfair on one another to carry on. We were both a bit upset about breaking up, but we’re still talking so it’s OK.
• No longer work for Das Polizei – my last week was good, and have hinted that I might be back at  holidays.
• The reason for this is because I’m back at college studying music! Yes! I haven’t spoken about it here since my audition – but it’s all sorted and I’m 3 weeks down!! Certain aspects of the course are a little tedious, others not at all relevant to me, but thus far on the whole it’s been good!

So that’s a quick update on my life recently – but I decided to write a blog that was a temporary return to a slightly more lugubrious tone than in the past (even though I’m quite smug for being able to use the word lugubrious… twice)

This weekend, my best friend from school and college got married… This in itself is not a particularly significant event – people get married, it happens – but it made me realise the distance between us. Throughout school and college, our names were inextricably linked – where one was, the other was most likely nearby – we were even awarded the Alton College Music Department “Pear of the year” award when we left. Now, it’s 3 years since we left Alton, and in the time since then we’ve spoken maybe twice. I can’t see any real reason for it – except that university got in the way. I’ve in the past spoken of how I feel that there’s a kind of “elitism” that university bestows on people (maybe not written it here, but I’ve made it known)

Basically it’s an idea that university somehow gives it’s students and graduates – the idea that unless you went to university, you are inferior in every way. Which, of course, is loose-stool-water of the highest order. Utter arse-gravy. I’ve done things a little differently, I got a job rather than go straight into Higher Education – but I spent those years learning the ways of the world, I grew up, and I got better at my craft. Because of that extra time I’m one of the best guitarists in my class (top 2/3) and of all the guitar players I’ve seen (excluding teachers obviously), I’m easily top 5. A young female singer even commented on it saying “You can tell the people who have what it takes to make it, and you’re definately one of them. I’ve only found one other…”

I whole-heartedly believe I made the right move. In college I missed lessons, and didn’t appreciate what I was missing out on, but now… I’ve got 100% attendance – consistently on time, spend a decent amount practicing, and i’m getting details of a collection of musicians for various different projects and the like! I’ve develop personal skills that some of these people can only dream. Like articulacy, good spelling and grammer. Especially knowing the difference between WHO and WHOM!!!

• Went away to London with Susan – had a great time, despite hurting my feet and moaning about it most of the weekend….
• New guitar – and it’s lovely!
• Work is ok – I’m still there and still reading lots….
• Went away with Susan again – Despite a few disasters with campsites on the first night, we eventually ended up in Salisbury in a tent for 2 nights… Another fantastic weekend – no hurt feet and much much less moaning from me!
• We did all kinds of things this weekend – balloon hats and flowers, lots of curry, Jazz, bowling and going out and being social!

All in all, i’m having a good time at the moment! A refreshing change for me! So, shortly I shall begin writing on here more frequently than I currently do… But that’s all you’re getting from me now…