The beginning, for real

I imagine most, if not all of you, reading this have been directed here from facebook…

I, a while back wrote a note entitled “The beginning… Genesis, of sorts” – I’ll be the first to admit that I was a rather… dejected, when I wrote it. Well, if you’ve somehow arrived here by some means other than via facebook (osmosis?!?) – I’ll post a few key statements from it here in red italics. Purely to keep a sense of flow – and so that if I make a reference to something there, you don’t wear out your Alt and Tab keys…

This Blog might seem a little unexpected because I said: So, rather than go through all the hassle of getting all maudlin and create a blog that’s all black and red and emo, I figured it best that I just write everything blog related here… Clearly, my position has changed. Ok, so this page is quick black, and I’m using red to quote – but the black and colours is there purely to make reading this easier – the text is a reasonable size, and the black background is less draining on the eyes that read this. Unfortunately, the page where I write this is very white… God, how I suffer for my art… I digress, I set up this blog for 2 reasons.

1. I needed something to occupy my spare time on Boxing Day
2. I decided that facebook wasn’t the right place for my scintillating, if perhaps incoherent, blog-age. Facebook is supposed to be fun, right?

So, I’ll skip over my whole family history – It’s not especially interesting, and I don’t think it had a huge effect on my life. Well, I say that – had I made different choices, they made different choices… However, that’s a dangerous road to travel down – surprisingly topical quote “If ifs and buts were candy and nuts, we would all have a Merry Christmas.” (I’ve decided to put all quotes not from me in yellow, and where possible I’ll attribute said quote to whomever.)

Anyways, moving on – my first big facebook blog. I said this: “I’m losing faith[...] Self belief if you will. [...]I feel myself sinking back into the depression I’d hoped to leave behind me. [...] I can play the guitar, but not well enough to make a career out of – so it’s a fairly pointless endeavour [...] the darkness of my depression is slowly seeping into my music.”

Since then, I’ve had something of a change of heart. Oh don’t get me wrong, I’m still fairly depressed – and I don’t believe my guitar playing to be particularly useful. I do however, feel better about my playing. I’ve found that if I calm down, relax and get back to the core of things – 2 things happen. Firstly, I play better – wierd but the less effort I put in, the better I am. Secondly, I remember why I started playing the guitar. That’s not totally true, it reminds me of why I started getting into music in general, not specifically the guitar… I started on my musical journey playing the piano. My reason for choosing the guitar is, by far, the best reason I’ve found for doing anything… The girl I fancied at the time needed a guitarist! I know that sounds simple and shallow, but aged 14 – boys are shallow. Actually, I’m now 20 going-on 40 – and I’m still shallow!

Alas, these days the digits don’t seem to work their magic on the ladies… I can’t find anything about myself that’s worth anything. I’m fat, I’m not attractive, I’m not out-going, I’m not a terrific guitar player, and [...] I’m not a nice person

Now, that kind of talk is what got me single. Oh sure, there where other reasons – lies, mis-aligned priorities, lack of trust, selfishness, juvinility, depression, anger, lack of commitment… I could go on. Just recently however, I’ve realised that this doesn’t matter! After my epic self-loathing rant, a week later I wrote a note that was a little more optomistic. Quotes from this are in green italics – multi coloured quote tags? I’m too cool for school… I was talking about the new girl at work

“[...]following this girl’s arrival at work – I was reacquainted with my 2 friends, characteristics I had forgotten I had, or thought I’d lost. I am, of course, talking about charm and wit”

Due to my hermit-like existence, most of my conversations happen via the interweb. I was going through a bad patch, and a good friend of mine appeared online for the first time in…. about 18 months. We talked about relationships and things – and I was my usual self-depricating self.

Me: well, i’m not exactly the most attractive person in the world, bit too chunky

Her: you ARE?! didnt notice that

Me: well – i was never that attractive, I don’t recall ever having a plethora of attractive women after me

Her: ahh but it isnt all about the looks my dear its the chaaarm

It’s not all about looks… It took a while for it to sort of digest. A few weeks later She and I spoke again about how pretty girls are usually always taken because they learned to love themselves.

Her: u cant be loved until u love urself first

I managed to avoid the rather obvious masterbation joke, but a few days later it hit me – I don’t love myself (well, without a girl in my life…) but I can acheive similar results, by not hating myself. So I don’t. I don’t hate myself! Oh sure, I’m not thrilled with who I am, or the things I’ve done in the past – but I don’t hate myself. In reference to talking to aforementioned girl at work, I wrote:

Then of course – the charm came in whereby, all of a sudden, my eloquence, vocabulary and knowledge came back to me – I turned from being the slothenly oaf, to a well educated young gentleman… and it surprised me! I’ve apparently managed to pull off a much more refined image than ever before.

Oh sure, she didn’t throw down her headset and beg me to rock her world (which it would have) – but I remembered that, I’ve never been attractive. I’ve never been the guy all the girls lust over, nor the fit, muscular rugby-captain, nor any of the other things that I imagined girls went for. However, something did strike home… I’ve not always been single. Fairly obvious I know, but it’s incredibly relevant. Through my life, I’ve been out with 5 girls. Now, since 3 of those lasted a week or less – I’m prepared to dismiss them. but the other two – that’s still two girls, women – who liked something about me. I also have found out that at least 2 of the girls I went to college with, at one time or another fancied me… but thinking about it – I sucked at guitar then, I wasn’t attractive, I was putting on weight -so what was it? Charm and wit.

So, armed with charm and wit – perhaps with a side order of charisma – I will continue my merry old way through life. I’ll end this note with 2 quotes – one of them mine, the other not.

The first is French philospher Jean-Marie Guyau “Le futur n’est pas ce qui vient vers nous, mais ce vers quoi nous allons” – translated it means “The future is not what is coming at us, but what we are headed for”

The second, my quote: Well, I was hoping to keep this post short – clearly I have failed. So my plan now is to try and post blogs more often, so that there’s less writing. ooops – Next time, I swear……